Q & A with Jon Mercer -- www.easycalm.com

Q. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, and I'm working on it, but I find it hard to feel good about myself because I don't have many friends. The people I work with are extremely social and I feel like the "weird one" because I only have a few friends. Iknow you say we should start from a position of accepting ourselves and feeling good about where we are right now, but how do I do that when everyone around me seems to have a very tight social network that is always there for them? Ever since i started my new job I have been basically going it alone. Five years ago I was always in a big group of friends and I always felt like I fit in. Now I'm just not sure anymore. Any thoughts? --Cynthia M, California USA

A. The feeling I am getting from your email is that you have a sense of loss, that you are focused on what you DON'T have, at the expense of appreciating what you DO have. But I would like to challenge a few of the views you have about your situation.

Having a tight group of friends and supporting social network can be a great thing. But there is also a downside to it--have you considered that? I'll explain what I mean in just a moment, but first I want to emphasize that I'm not saying that a supportive social network is a negative thing. But I am saying that there is a great benefit from not ALWAYS having this in your life--of "going it alone" sometimes. Here's what I mean:

A tight social network strongly reinforces your sense of "self," or who you are. The downside is that this makes is VERY difficult to grow and progress as a person, because you get caught up in a paradigm of "fitting in" or "belonging" to this group.

It is human nature to try to remain consistent in our actions and behaviors, especially in relating to those close to us. This is why so many adults feel that they get "pulled back" into childhood issues when they visit their parents or family members. They feel pressure to be "who they were" instead of "who they are now." And that causes a lot of stress.

This is exactly why powerful social groups are both positive AND negative. They exert a strong influence over us, which can keep us from growing and progressing, from doing more and being more.

Example: many overweight people can not lose weight because they are subconsciously trying to continue "fitting in" with their friends and/or family. They have always been the "fat one," so changing this will change the dynamic of the group they belong to--whether it is family or friends. So it becomes less stressful to just stay the way they are--they don't want to "rock the boat."

What I'm saying is that there is TREMENDOUS value in going through periods of your life without strong social connections. Anyone who has never experienced this is missing out on a lot of personal growth.

Because of my former problems with social anxiety, I went through years without close friends, but it made me who I am today: more self-reliant, more confident, and I KNOW AND APPRECIATE MYSELF much more.

So, to sum up, here's my advice:

1. Focus on what is good about your situation and who you are right now. Appreciate the value of not being tied down to a social group at this time--it's helping you to grow and become more of "who you are." Take advantage of this opportunity to get to know "you" better.

2. Don't think in terms of lack (what you are missing); think in terms of your life being full and blessed, AND you intend to make your life even better by increasing your social network.

3. Do as many things as you possibly can that make you feel good. Feeling good is very important, especially feeling good about yourself. People are naturally attracted to others who radiate positive feelings about themselves. Anything that makes you happy will help your life in a million ways, including attracting more friends.

4. Do things for others when it does not benefit you at all, and wanting nothing from them in return (not even a thank you). Help out someone just to do it--no other reason. As you begin to do this, you will notice an unusual law of nature. You can not give to others and receive nothing back. It never happens. What goes around DOES come around. So a good thing to think about is this:

If you would like to get more from the world, ask yourself what you are giving. Whatever you put out into the world comes back to you. I used to think this was "hippy mumbe jumbo," but I have seen too much at this point to even doubt this fact. Check out www.attractanything.com for more info on this concept of "attracting" better circumstances to your life. In my experience, it absolutely works.

Jon mercer -- www.easycalm.com